Throw Away My Love
by Xara-Vodka and Donuts
Summary: AU. After the events of episode 23, Wolfwood gets another chance to fufil his unfinished business, but his dimentional problems seem to be gettting in the way of getting the one he wants. VXW Yaoi. Huge huge Episode 23 spoilers.
1. Removal

Throw Away My Love 

By Xara-Vodka and Donuts 

A/N: Ive wanted to write this fic for ages. Vash and Wolfwood are infinatly the sexiest and most wonderful yaoi coupling in the history of anime, and as Medea says, its Angst, drama, romance, lime and death that make a good fic. Therefore, I dedicate this fic to a few people. Firstly, Medea who will beta this, and who writes such flattering thank yous to me in her fics I blush. She rocks you people. And shes an amazing writer. Secondly, to my partner in crime, Tierra, for getting me hooked on...*counts* Yaoi, Trigun, Fanfiction, fanart and Roleplay. If there is a yaoi goddess it is her. Hopefully she can get off her ass enough to beta this as well ^^. Thirdly, this fic is dedicated to my friend Kentaro, the most amazing yaoi writer in the history of the world, and quite possibly one of the nicest people on the planet. Love you man. This fic is huge project of not doing coursework, and i hope it will become popular. It also includes largish amounts of lemon and lime and probably enough sugar to make sure you dont go bitter, but enough not to rot your teeth. It is also based on HUGE HUGE HUGE Episode 23 spoilers. Seriously, I want you to read my fic, but please, come back later after episode 23. Its not worth spoiling it, I can tell you that first hand. But if you have, read on. And review...im a shameless review junkie. ^_^ Love and peace, Xara. 

Throw away my love   
Rating:R (might go up to NC-17)   
Disclaimer: Oh, i wish. If they belonged to me, i would do so many things. and you really think there wouldnt have been more yaoi action if i had. Give credit where its due, which is not me or any of the other fanfic writers.   
Description: Wolfwood gets a second chance to fufil his unfinished business after teh events of episode 23. But his dimensional problems seem to get in the way of any reconciliation. Love through time and mortality come into question as Vash battles with the notions of Love and peace. AU in that the end of the series is postponed for a while. Huge ginormous spoilers for episode 23. 

--- 

Throw away my love,   
Kiss the lock you threw behind   
Destroy the memory of me   
Try to go on   
But remember that you can always go back   
And pick up my love   
Dust it off   
And learn to live once more   
~Xara 

--- 

Chapter 1. 

I never thought I would die. To be a cold, lifeless and sickly corpse is something I cannot ever come to terms with. Its a simple and childish belief to think that you will live forever, but I am not a child. Far from it. Being a man of God I intended to live and fight to survive, then retire to the kingdom in the sky, and live with sexy angels for the rest of eternity. Choosing the church makes you never want to doubt your imortality, as you're sure you'll get into the afterlife. But as I viewed my body as i felt myself part, like ripping off a plaster slowly, but without the pain, only sensation, I couldnt help but cry. I didnt want to leave him, I would never want to leave his arms, his eyes. Lord, cannot you understand that. I have so many things to say to him, so much to do, so much more life to live. I watch the ones I left behind, from the tall girl with the large eyes and innocent smile, to the short woman with the temper that would rally a thousend suns and as annoying as a mosquito in your ear. I watch the children play in my orphanage, waiting with childrens' hope that I will return. yet I feel nothing but passive, deathly regret. But there is one person I just cannot, cannot look at for long. I never, ever wanted to cause him pain. So I worked for his evil, psychopathic brother as a scouting assasin, but I came to live to protect him instead. how could anyone ever want to hurt him. Hes as fragile as a butterfly, one touch in the wrong place and hes ruined, never to fly again. His eyes look like hes seen more than he should, and yet, cannot understand why, like a child whos killed a kitten unknowingly and wonders why the adults punish him. You cannot help but fall for his eyes, and you are willing to put your soul on the line to not hurt him. And i did, i could have sent him off to Chapel, send him off to die, as I knew I was going to the morning before. I put him first and went to kill Chapel, although I knew somehow that it would be the last time I would see him alive. I thought I could save him pain and all the suffering by sacraficing myself for love, but now, looking down as if throught tinted glass, I can see he suffers continuously. He blames himself, and those eyes are more tortured than they were before I died, before i abandoned him without so much as a kiss goodbye or even a word that i was going to. I saw him find my body, and I saw him be silent for days on end. I saw the tears, the alcohol, I watched him painfully, knowing that I had sparked everything. I cried soul's tears as I watched you light up my last ciggarette and saw the salty tears that extinguished it later. Looking at you through the guise of death burns my soul like you have shot me through the heart.   
And I realised that only in death that I loved him enought to kill myself, and that I would do anythign to hold him in my arms, and kiss him and tell him i'll never leave him. Death will never part us my love, my Vash. I died with your name on my lips, but you do not know that. You, like everyone else, think that i loved Milly to my end. It was a drunken weak moment that I kissed her, but I couldnt do anything else, and I wish you knew. I wish you knew how I want to change the past and change the world and have us in a totally different place where there is no Knives, no ransom, just a place we can be together. I know you long to know. It is time you knew. 

...To be continued. 

~~   
Hm, first attempt at any real real angst. Feedback is warmly appreciated, this fic will be around for quite a while, as exams are looming and I wont have much time. Review now...dont think a moment more. 


	2. Prolonging

AN: Ok, next chapter. this one is much longer, and my favorite at the moment. Please read and review. Dedicated to Kentaro and Yuuno, I hope you will be happy forever...Love from my soul, Xara 

-- 

Chapter 2. 

Even in the face of perfection   
My mind turns to you   
Of all that is wrong   
In my eyes,   
is all that is right.   
For not a moment passes   
without my mind turning   
to the way your muscles move   
and how you can mesmerise me   
with only a twitch. 

I am not stuck in heaven, but more in heavens holding bay. I have seen things, seen souls waiting for trial, and i consider my self lucky, im dead but i will be missed, i have been loved, yet i feel like a greedy man who wants more. My soul will not rest without being satisfied. But what do i crave? Even stopping now to think, i dont know. I want to hold him, kiss him, watch the world know that he is mine and only mine. I want to see the envy on their faces and the anger in their eyes. And i want to drown in his terqoise pools of truth he has for eyes and learn never to doubt myself. Yet the people around me have never seen that kind of love, hell, most of them dont know it exists. Brevity and lonliness is what i forsee for the human race if they have members who are as emotionally deformed as the creatures around me, their souls hideous yet intriguingly beautiful.   
All the souls are there for the same reason. we have no contact except for visions. The place is clear on all sides, and so I am tortured everyday by seeing my own race, and the people who I love, move around, not knowing how we souls suffer at the sight. The gates to the afterlife are guarded by figures, appearing to me as 2 beautiful women, identical in all ways from far away. As i draw closer, i start to notice things. There could not be any two things more alike physically, however, these women are not oridinary. One has eyes that exude truth, make you feel that there are people who care for you, and who miss you. She makes me feel human again, and i feel that all is well when i look at her, that i make the right choices in how i feel. the others eyes are arrogant, cold, calculating. She makes me feel like all i feel is wrong, and that i waste my life living. Their black eyes together, if i look at both at the same time, make me feel whole, content, human. I cling to the feeling as the only thing that bonds me together, feeling like im a shattered shell, that i am going to go mad. 

It feels like months pass, and the longer i am there i get the feeling that i will never meet the goddesses that control the way i feel with just a look. Everyday, i move infinatly towards the ultimatum that is them, and yet i have no idea what i am going to do once i get there. There is no one to ask, and no one to tell. The tides of souls move slowly, and there is nothing to do but fantasize about what their purpose is. I dream that they can make my wishes come true, and i dream that they might be able to turn back time, to make me not dead. I knowo this isnt true, but when im stuck in an interdimentional place there is nothing i have but my dreams. 

Its almost like a dream when i meet them. I waited for this moment. I dremt that this moment would lead to my freedom and back into the arms of the one that i love. I look up to face them. They are beautiful, but thier aura is one of danger and superiority. It reminds me of facing Knives, and i shiver visually. The one whos eyes are warm and calming speaks first.   
'We are the children of the apocalypse. Together we guard the last chance gate, giving the desperate a final chance to right their wrongs from the previous life.' i nod silently, lost for words and given hope by her eyes. The other goddess speaks next.   
'It is a hard task to pass us. Together we dominate how you will spend eternia, so make your decision carefully. The rules are simple, and passing us, you will be allowed to return to the world of the living for a short period of time, until the one who you crave fufils your desire.' I feel hope, but the emotion she emitts does not make me optimistic that i will succeed. The other goddess contiues to speak.   
'The rules are simple. My sister and I represent the two governing factors in the universe. I am the goddess of personal desire, the minds most lusted after object is no secret from me. I am the flicker of hope that keeps you awake at nights dreaming of the one you love. My sister is the goddess of destiny. She knows what lies in store for you, and what you will succeed in. She cares not for what you want, only what you will get. It is easy to get past us, but only if you know your heart and destiny well enough. You are allowed one question to ask us. If you can get us to say the same thing, you will be returned to the world. If we say different, your life will be judged by us and you will be sent on to the afterlife, and you will have to wait for your love to join you there.' There is no emotion on either of their faces, and they dont even look at me, staring into the distance with a removed passion that makes me feel rejected.   
'Mr. Wolfwood, what is your request?' The goddess of personal desire addresses me, and i answer immediatly, there is nothing I want more that this.   
'I wish to return to the world and let Vash know that i love him. Yet i will not leave until he returns my love'. I sound so ...removed from my feelings. i want to die everytime i mention his name, yet the emotionless surroundings are changing me, makeing me as souless as the goddesses in front of me.   
'Very well. What is your question.'   
i pause at this. I know very well what my hearts desire is, however, i am in the dark as to whether it is what the gods intended for me. I begin to panic, i almost dont want to know if loveing vash is not in my destiny. I dont want the closure i long for so avidly if it is not meant to be. However, i will never know without it. I stand up and clearly say. 'Who is the one that i love?'. A silence follows, and i start to panic. Then, both goddesses suddenly say, in perfect unison   
'Vash...The...Stampede' and my heart does a dance of joy as immediatly i feel myself being pulled by the chest and the world I see fades to black. 

TBC... 

Review, review, review 


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